Soften, Sharpen

As I reflect back on 2024, it feels all too clear that this has been one of the most profound seasons of personal and spiritual growth I’ve ever experienced, especially in the last four-ish months. I started the year strong, with what felt like a purpose and direction that I had been somehow missing for several years. I felt ready to revamp my career and get my life and business back to “where they once were.” Much to my suprise, the malaise that had characterized much of the last several years once again reared its ugly head only a few months into 2024. And of course it seemed to hit harder than before, leaving me disoriented, depressed, and adrift.

I floated through the first half of the year grasping for anything that would offer a sense of direction, to no avail. At the beginning of the summer I took a risk and decided to go back to school. There have been lots of reasons to take this plunge, but whenever I feel like I understand the “why” behind the decision, it shifts and essentially disappears. Even without a clear why, though, I feel certain this has been one of the best decisions of my life. It offered me the opportunity to face a lot of demons that had been shoved deep into the closet when I left college the first time. This made the first month of school pretty horrific, but as I embraced the chaos of my inner world, things started to transform right in front of my eyes.

There was clearly a lot of healing happening, but school offered several other things that I was desperately needing in my life. Structure, community, inspiration, just to name a few. Even though I was suddenly going to school full time without scaling back my client work, I was filled with more energy and excitement for my work than I’ve felt in years. Despite my schedule being stretched more than I thought possible, I found time to work on new projects, connect with and serve my community, and even show up as a better parent and partner.

I’m not sure if it was actually school, or the spiritual work school offered me or both or something else, but it was like someone turned on the lights for me. I stumbled into a flow that opened me up to a deep sense of freedom and connection. I was feeling more than maybe I’ve ever felt, both good and bad. I was sensitive to the world around me in ways that felt supernatural. Joy and Despair and everything in between. Like Dorothy walking out into Oz for the first time, life was suddenly in Technicolor.

And it still is. There has been a profound shift for me internally, a new world has unfolded before me. It is truly beyond words.

Now, you’d think with a year like this, I wouldn’t have much I would want to change—and in some sense you’d be right, but even with all this change and growth, I can see how much farther there is to go. Even though I can see and feel that my life is now drastically different (and for the better), it feels young, as in it still needs to grow and mature.

When I think about how I want to use the energy of the New Year to support this maturation and growth, two words come to mind: Soften and Sharpen.

They may seem at odds with each other, but they feel both equally necessary and timely. I want to grow in both directions and hold the tension and paradox between them.

Soften

For my required science class in school, I chose Intro to Environmental Science, as it seemed the most interesting of my options. I have, for some time, considered myself an environmentalist, and have done at least some small things to adjust my lifestyle to prove as much. The class certainly proved to be interesting, but more than that it was heartbreaking. There is no way to truly learn about the devastating realities of Climate Change and the harm we’ve caused our planet and environment without feeling crushed. Early in the semester I was regularly having panic attacks while reading our text book. Through this process, I realized that while I cared about the environment, I had allowed myself to operate on a strictly “need to know basis.” Meaning, I only allowed myself to learn what I needed to make meaningful decisions about my life and lifestyle, but no more, for fear of being overwhelmed by the gravity of it all. I had made a hard line in the sand, and didn’t want anything to cross it.

But the line had to be crossed if I wanted to pass this class. I had to look these things in the eye, and actually let them in. This was a deep softening for me. I had to drop the walls I had built in order to truly feel what was happening in the world—and, damn, was it painful. Suddenly, though, I had the capacity to feel the pain, and much to my surprise, it didn’t completely overtake me. This pain has been the key element in bringing my world back to life, it’s what allowed in all the color.

I’ve felt so much more in the last several months than I thought I was capable of. I cried nearly every day on my way to school for weeks. Sometimes tears of joy, sometimes pain, grief, fear. And while I know, in the deepest sense, that I have become softer, I know that I must become even softer still. Every time I’m struck with this deep pain, about my life, the environment, or something else, I can feel the way I contract around it. The visual of the Three of Swords has been a guiding light for me: the heart pierced by three swords, the allowing of the world’s pain to become your own. But if the heart were to contract around the swords, it would cause more pain and damage to the tissue. I was doing this by allowing myself to feel only momentarily, and then jumping into action to try and solve the pain.

I am holding the word Soften as an intention for this year, because I want to continue to soften around the pain I feel. I want to allow it all the way in, and learn to move and breathe with it. I want the pain to break my heart all the way open. Only once I can live with the whole pain, can I ever hope to be a part of healing it.

Which leads to the other half of this equation:

Sharpen

Now, I’m no stranger to taking action. In the “contemplation and action” continuum, I certainly skew more towards the “let’s do this” side of things. As I’ve studying the yogic tradition and practiced my own contemplative spirituality, though, I’ve learned to see more clearly all of the consequences of my actions, even (and especially) the unintended ones.

Through svadhyaya, I have come to the realization that, throughout my life, the actions I have always reached for have overwhelmingly been more like a sledge hammer than a scalpel. I’m a sucker for a big, grand gesture that I can imagine fixes everything overnight. Those grand gestures certainly have their place, and to some extent have served me well, but I would be lying if I said I was always satisfied with the results.

Some things require a finer touch.

The things I’ve been facing in my life recently are asking for this precision. Throwing spaghetti at a wall and seeing what sticks isn’t going to work for me in this season. And even if I continued to get lucky with that method (because let’s face it, I’ve been incredibly lucky), even if I got what I wanted that way, I wouldn’t feel right about it. I want not just the what of my actions, but also the how of my actions to be something I can be proud of.

A sharp knife makes clean cuts. A dull knife will often get the job done, but it will always require more effort and will often do more damage. I’m tired of doing more (or even as much) harm than good. I aspire to just do good. This requires me to sharpen. To be precise with my words and my actions. A master craftsperson always uses the right tool for the job. I’ve mastered the sledgehammers and impact drivers of life, and now I want to master the finer, smaller, sharper tools.

Soften and Sharpen

At first blush, they seem at odds, but for me they are two sides of the same coin. I couldn’t possibly live with myself if I spent all this time softening to the world and then turned around and had my words and actions create more chaos than order. I couldn’t possibly understand what it would look like to think, speak, and act with more precision if I wasn’t more open and sensitive to the world around me. One requires and is born of the other. They are each feeding into a positive feedback loop of growth and development.

I’m still working out what these intentions will look like practically and tangibly. Lessening the distractions in my life that are oh-so-conveniently delivered to my face through my phone feels like a big one. I’ve set a goal to cut my average weekly screen time in half (I’m not sharing actual numbers here because, honestly, I’m too embarrassed). Mindless scrolling is the number one way I numb and harden myself to the realities of my daily life. The digital distractions also keep me from the precision of thought and action I hope for. Even if I happen to find a scalpel, my over consumption of social media is like putting on a blindfold and spinning around in circles. Definitely not how I want to see my surgeon before an operation.

Working to consume less in a physical sense is on the list as well. Products and gadgets and gear are a real weakness of mine, and I’ve come to see how the impulse to spend on these items has kept me stunted financially and spiritually, while also needlessly adding to the degradation of the environment and the oppression and exploitation of my siblings across the globe. I want to shop more second-hand for clothing and other gear, and only do that once I’ve fully exhausted what I already have. I also want to focus more on borrowing and sharing, taking advantage of the incredible Public Library we have here in Austin, and connecting with friends and neighbors to borrow and share items before buying for myself.

And of course bringing in all the ease, joy, and grace I mentioned in my last post as I slowly cultivate all of these things in my life.

I’d love to hear about what you’re intentions for the New Year are, and how you want to embody how you’ve been learning and growing. Please feel free to share in the comments. Here’s to 2025 and all the softness and sharpness it has to offer us!