Neti, neti, neti
Or the wisdom of 90's alt-pop
As I shared in my last post, I feel a deep shift happening inside myself. And I feel it especially in regards to my work. And not just my work, but my WORK, if you know what I mean. I’ve been in this space of transition many, many, MANY times before. You’d think with as many times as I’ve made ridiculously hard left turns in my life and my work, that I’d be familiar and maybe even comfortable with these transitions, but you would be wrong. But while my discomfort is expected there is something more to this transition. Something different.
It’s still hard for me to discern what exactly this different feeling is. There is certainly some sense of “leveling up” in some spiritual way (although I hate that language, and find it antithetical to the spiritual journey, but you get what I’m getting at). I knew that going back to school this fall would offer me some pretty profound opportunities to WORK, and I was not wrong. Turns out I dropped out of college the first time for A LOT of reasons that were operating under the surface and I had no clue about at the time. And in true personal/spiritual growth fashion, they were all waiting for me the second I set foot back on campus.
I’m appreciative of these new challenges, though. They are, in a lot of ways, truly kicking my ass, but I know that now is the right time, that I’m ready for it. In short, it feels good to get my ass kicked. I’m often up for a challenge, and this time of my life (most of the time) is no different.
I think the biggest shift and the biggest change I’m dealing with in this transitional or liminal space is there’s going to be so much more on the other side of it.
With the help of my teacher in our session this week, I found some clarity around a pattern I’ve been running almost as long as I can remember. As far back as my faulty memories can take me, there has been this sense of: I need to find my thing. Even as a child, I was deeply driven to find my identity in what I did. I didn’t just *like* Power Rangers—I wanted to *BE* a Power Ranger (and I have the pictures to prove it). I didn’t just like watching the Star Wars movies, I patiently waited at the window for Luke Skywalker to land his X-Wing and take me off to train as a Jedi (like, until I was 10).
Now, I don’t think this is unusual behavior for a 6-10 year old. But if I allow myself to be scathingly self-honest, I never grew out of it. I didn’t just play music, I *WAS* a Musician, and my whole life revolved around the many aspects of writing, performing, producing, and promoting. I didn’t just drink coffee, I *WAS* a Barista. The same things happened with teaching yoga, teaching the Enneagram, and then being a professional athlete and cycling advocate. My interests became the bedrock of my personality and my identity.
I would work and strive and push, until I convinced myself and everyone around me that this is who I was. There always came a point where it felt as though I finally got everything settled in my new identity. Finally, I did it, I would think, This is who I am. But it was always right about this point that something else would sneak in.
A new interest would gently wander into view, or Life would shift around me like I was on some sort of stage while the scenery was being changed. However it entered my life, though, my reaction was always the same: NO! WAIT! *THIS* IS IT! Even when it seemed reasonable to allow myself to hold more than one interest, I would push aside the old in favor of the new, often at a great cost of time, energy, and attention.
As I reflect on the pattern, I can see the moments where I finally solidified my identity, were the exact moments that that identity became to small. In each transition there was a sense that I needed to rail against my previous, now incorrect and incompatible identity, in order to make room for this new, definitely more right, version of who I am.
As the pattern became clear to me, I felt somewhat embarrassed. Like, Jeeze, I know I contain multitudes, what was I thinking?!
I was reminded of the spiritual practice of Neti, Neti, or seeing who we think we are, and saying, “Not that, not that.” I used to think that this practice would leave you with nothing, except for some deep sense of connection with the Divine at the core of your being. And I guess that is true in some sense, but my actual experience in the midst of this Neti, Neti moment is not a sense of less, or absence, but of a profound abundance.
As I’m being shepherded into this experience of truly not being whatever it is that I’m doing (I have no interest in building my identity around being a community college Spanish I student), I’m realizing that I’m actually so much more than what I do. Now, I’m sure plenty if not all the folks reading this can intellectually ascent to that statement, “I’m not what I do,” but having this lived experience of it is moving it so much deeper for me.
Suddenly, my work (nor my WORK) doesn’t have to be pigeonholed into one specific direction. I’m not limited to whatever tool I happen to be working with at any given moment. I have a freedom and flexibility to do what I feel is needed and right for me whatever that may look like. I don’t feel like I have to keep my life compartmentalized, and I don’t have to color within the narrow lines I was giving myself previously.
And to me, this is liberating.
I am an interested person, and I find my WORK in lots of different places. Of course, I may still get hyperfixated from time to time, I feel a new sense of agency allowing myself to focus on what is giving me life, and shifting when it’s time. There’s a sense I can bring everything into this new space and it all belongs, instead of having to only stick to my regular script.
As I look back at my younger self, and their desperate attempt to find who they were, I can also see the foundations of my current revelation being laid. When I was six years old my older sister gave me a cassette tape of Meredith Brooks’ hit, Bitch, which I played on repeat in her tiny Ford Ranger and quietly in my room on my Fisher-Price tape player until I had every word memorized. Then, I was mostly excited to sing a dirty word at the top of my lungs, but today I can see the deeper wisdom being shared through Meredith’s exploration of her conflicting identities.
This is exciting for me on a personal and spiritual level, obviously, but it also exciting for me when it comes to this space. Yes, I know the Enneagram, quite well in fact, but it doesn’t have to be the bedrock of my work or my identity. Yes, I am a person of faith, and I can bring that into the conversation without feeling like I’m losing my audience. I’m a student, I’m a cyclist, I’m trans, I’m a musician, I’m a parent, I’m all these things and more, and they all belong. I’m excited to feel freed and open to share all of this though my work.
So good, Abi.