Look Up, Not Down Pt. 4
Epic Fail
This update is a little late, because honestly, I didn’t want to write it. I’ve officially hit the part of my new practice where the “new” and “excitement” have worn off, and the whole thing is kind of a drag. My screen time was way up last week, and even though the weather was beautiful, my time looking at the sky was way down.
I wrote a short sentence in my last update that I’ve actually been chewing on a lot lately. The main idea of it was simply that I have chosen to try and do something so difficult that I would have to be kind to myself. Gentle. Compassionate. Basically, I chose something that I was almost guaranteed to “fail” at. I started off strong, and had some great momentum and great insights in the first 10-12 days, but then life got in the way, and the hopes I had for this fast and practice had to be drastically adjusted. And this has actually given me an incredible opportunity to practice kindness to myself.
This is new for me. Not the choosing hard things part, but the being kind to myself part. Usually, I choose something hard, and when the going really gets tough, I will myself to keep going, often to my own detriment. If the sheer force of my will isn’t enough to keep me on track, then comes the self-judgment which of course only makes things worse.
After running this pattern for most of my adult life, I found that is really wasn’t helpful and I wanted a change. What that often looked like, though, was not choosing difficult things, thus avoiding the need to push myself and the whole cycle. But in those instances, I’ve never had the opportunity to truly practice self-compassion or self-kindness, because it wasn’t needed. I was staying fully within my own personal power, so wouldn’t have the opportunity to be harsh or judgmental towards myself.
Choosing a hard thing, a thing so hard I can’t do it on my own, though, brings up all sorts of negative self-talk for me. I should be able to do this. If I can’t, then who am I? What am I worth? These are the thoughts that immediately fill my mind, and it’s actually here, when I’m feeling my worst and I’m most likely to be shitty to myself that I have the greatest opportunity to practice kindness.
Sure we could make the argument that there is a kindness in not trying to push so hard. I am slowly internalizing this. But what I’m finding is that’s a different kind of kindness. It’s a kindness that is helpful and necessary, but it’s not a kindness that is directly confronting my pattern towards self-judgment and self-criticism.
When it comes to working out, you can’t get “in shape” without feeling “out of shape.” Meaning, it’s that exact feeling of pushing yourself (and therefore feeling crappy) that leads to growing in strength and becoming “in shape” (whatever that means to you). I feel this same way about my current practices. If it were easy to do all these things, then I wouldn’t be growing. But the fact that they’re hard is giving me the opportunity to not only try something new and grow in a new way, but also giving me a space to practice the thing I need most.
So that’s what I’m focused on right now. I’m adjusting expectations and the practices to make more room for where I’m really at, while still pushing myself to be a little outside my comfort zone. I’m coming back to looking at the sky, I’m remembering to put my phone down more and more often, and I’m learning to love myself no matter how things shake out.