I’ve now been working with this project for the last 9 days (not counting today) and I wanted to share my experiences thus far. Sharing as I go feels important because it shows more of the process than just giving a nice, tidy wrap up at the end after I’ve processed it all. Truly, there hasn’t been much that’s been deeply transformational or impactful, but I’m glad to be keeping at it all the same.
When it comes to looking up, I still don’t know how to identify the different kinds of clouds, I can’t predict the weather, and I can’t say that I’m noticing a big difference in my felt experience of connection with the Divine. BUT I have had a few interesting epiphanies that I feel are worth sharing.
I tried at first to take pictures of the sky while I was looking, but I quickly found the photos to be frustrating. Because I would have to keep a camera with me at all times to take a picture of every sky I saw. No one photo could encompass all of what I saw in a day, no one photo could do justice to a days worth of sky. It was always changing, developing, shifting in subtle and overt ways. I wouldn’t say that I’ve given up on taking photos, but I certainly have a different intention in snapping pictures. The sky is always different, so I’m not capturing a day, instead, I’m capturing a singular moment.
The skies over the last week have been fairly dynamic, something different every day. As I’ve watched several different kinds of days, I’m realizing that, contrary to our wester culture’s beliefs about blue skies being the ideal, it’s actually the clouds that make things more interesting and beautiful. Maybe this is solely indicative of my short attention span, but I found myself almost bored at the days where there were no clouds in the sky. It was considerably less dynamic. Yes, the blue was bluer in some ways, but it lacked the “wow factor” that would have been there with even a few clouds in the sky.
This isn’t to say I don’t appreciate the clear, blue skies, just that I don’t find myself longing for them the way that I used to. And I’m happy to report that I have a much deeper appreciation for the clouds in the sky and how they offer so much, just by being clouds.
While the effects of the looking up aspect of my practice have been subtle, the effects of the “not down” aspect of my practice have been surprisingly loud.
I knew going into this “phone fast” that it was going to be hard, but I don’t think I realized how hard. As someone who identifies as an Enneagram 8, hard things rarely bother me, but this has been something all together different. I started strong on the first few days, but as I got more into trying to live in work in this new way, I struggled. Even in the first week I’ve found it almost impossible to make my life workable under the restrictions I put on my phone use. In some ways I can count myself lucky that I have undertaken something so difficult I am all but forced to have compassion for myself.
In addition to not being aware of how much I rely on my phone for life and business, I have deeply underestimated how unconscious my phone use is. My hand reaches for it without my mind even knowing it’s happening. I’ve caught myself a few times five minutes into a scroll before I realize what I’m doing and that I don’t want to be doing it. Seeing this also requires more compassion than I expected. I again count myself grateful that this isn’t going the way I had envisioned. Instead of sticking steadfastly to a set of rules and reaping the benefits of the structure of my own will and strength, I am stumbling forward over my own two feet, finding what it means to truly care for myself with kindness and compassion.
Even in such a short amount of time, I’m seeing the motivation to use my phone come into clearer focus. Yes, there are plenty of times where I’m using it as a drug to cover over some uncomfortable feeling, but as I’ve had more opportunity to see this impulse, the motivation is becoming more specific. The feeling I’m most often trying to cover up is loneliness. I want to connect with people I love and care about, truly the phone can be a wonderful way to do that. I’ve noticed my time on my phone this last week has been much more in my texting and messaging apps than anything else, which feels like a shift in the right direction. But even that shift requires vigilance, as the line between seeking connection and doom scrolling is terrifyingly thin.
Overall, this week has been a wonderful experiment and I’m excited to see what else comes up, especially now as the new has worn off the practices a bit. Thank you for following along. The thought that someone is reading this and (hopefully) rooting for me, or trying out something like this for themselves is deeply encouraging. If you’re enjoying the journey, consider sharing these articles with a friend. I would love for more people to find my work and explorations. And of course, if you really, really love it, you can always become a paid subscriber. But zero pressure there. Thanks again for being awesome, until next time!
loves!
Abi