My wife, Danielle, is in the final stages of getting her Enneagram teaching certification through the Narrative Enneagram, the same school I was trained in several years ago. Part of the final certification is facilitating a series of panels, and this morning D and I were chatting about some elements of Type 4. We got into a discussion about the dominant emotion/primary emotion/emotional filter of the Heart Types (2, 3, and 4). Traditional language has used “shame” while newer approaches have shifted to “Sadness or Grief at loss of connection” or “Panic at loss of Connection.”
I think the shift away from “Shame” is very well-intentioned, but as I’ve sat with both what shame is and *isn’t* and how 2’s, 3’s, and 4’s operate in the world, I have to say, I think shame is the best choice to describe what’s really going on.
In the heavily Brene Brown-influenced, pop-psychology-laden, good vibes only landscape that the Enneagram has found popularity in over the last few years, the concept of shame has been a hot topic. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the work of Brene, it’s been deeply powerful in my own journey as I know it has been for many others. Her research on shame has opened so many doors and truly saved peoples lives. But like most powerful research, we take it and turn it into something it’s not, and shouldn’t be.
Brown’s work has illuminated the world of shame, and how much this misunderstood emotion is playing into our daily lives. Too much shame causes disconnection, negatively affects our self-image, and limits our ability live into the fullness of our lives. So it makes sense that, upon reading this research, most people have become allergic to shame, seeing it as something we must eradicate from our lives at all costs. But this response is overly simplistic and doesn’t see the real value and purpose of shame in our lives.
Shame alerts us to when our behaviors are a threat to our belonging. When we remember we are a social species, it’s easy to see how shame played a powerful role in shaping our communities: and keeping us safe and connected, ensuring the survival of our species. Shame operates similarly to Anger and Fear in that, too much of any of them is a problem, but so is too little. While conflict, disconnection, and ruptures are all but guaranteed in any relationship or community, without (the right amount of) shame, we would have no emotional impetus to seek resolution, reconnection, and repair. So, it’s not that shame itself is bad, we just don’t know how to work with it well.
And this is exactly why I believe shame is the right term for the Heart Types’ emotional filter. We can clearly see the overdose of shame playing out in the lives of 2’s, 3’s, and 4’s in different ways. The “too-muchness” of shame makes these types think and feel, however unconsciously, as though they’re not on a level playing field with the other people in their lives. 2’s over-do helping and the anticipation of needs to attempt to “reconnect” with people, 3’s are trying to overcome a sense of deficiency or lack of value through their accomplishments (or their skillful avoidance of failure), while 4’s seem to further distance themselves from others in an attempt to set themselves apart, as trying to connect through their shame would be too painful.
We see similar experiences with the other types with their emotional filters. Anger and Fear are both very necessary emotions, but too much of either one becomes toxic internally and externally. But we don’t council those types to try to get rid of their Fear or Anger, or push it down, or deny it, we offer tools for working with their emotional experiences more skillfully. This is also the best course of action for working with Shame.
From what I’ve heard from my friends and mentos or are Hear Types, this Shame never goes away. It’s always running in the background, and learning how to feel into it, understand it, and take appropriate action in light of it will always be more life-giving than trying to avoid it or bolster ourselves against it. And of course, we all experience shame regardless of type, so we all have something to learn here. While it was certainly painful, I can see how much value shame has brought to my life and connections. When I have the courage to turn toward others with my shame, I’ve found a deeper sense of connection and belonging, which I truly don’t think would have been possible had I not experienced the shame at all.
As a 3 in the ongoing wrestle of acceptance and compassion, I wholeheartedly appreciate this perspective. In my personal experience, the grief around connection comes as an aftereffect, depending on how my sharing lands with others. For the love of shame!
Love this, Abi especially the line: “In the heavily Brene Brown-influenced, pop-psychology-laden, good vibes only landscape that the Enneagram has found popularity in over the last few years, the concept of shame has been a hot topic.”
Having trained in the Helen Palmer world of “don’t-gloss-over-the dark-side-with-fake-positivity,” the feel good Enneagram isn’t an attractor to me.
Yes, Helen was prickly and and at times too hard on us, but I don’t know that the problematic nature of my 7-ness would not have been so clearly deconstructed had I been trained in the “feel good Enneagram.”
(Helen once said that she liked the Enneagram because it named the “enemy” right at the gate. She said she wouldn’t have trusted it if it didn’t).
Compassion is crucial as this work can be destabilizing to the psyche, but I find it far more respectful to combine compassion with honesty to the degree someone is receptive and sturdy enough to hear it.
Shame *is* what it is and I appreciate how you put it out there with this line: “From what I’ve heard from my friends and mentos or are Heart Types, this Shame never goes away. It’s always running in the background.”
It is and it takes a lot of life force energy. Thanks for your blog.